Neverland
by race-the-ace
Summary: *Mild SLASH*-Sheppard/Mitchell--Sequel to The Only One--Since meeting John, or more accurately meeting John’s parents, Cam had read more books on surviving abuse then anyone should ever have to read.


**Neverland**

_Follow up to _Sing To Me_ & _The Only One

Author's Notes :  
- **Disclaimer** : I don't own Stargate Atlantis/SG1 or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.  
- _Neverland_ belongs to Darren Hayes.  
- Cam refers to the Pauli Exclusion Principle. (Even if he doesn't really know it.)  
- Some parts are slightly stolen from the SGA episode _The Shrine_. If you sorta tilt your head and squint. Or just look at it straight on.  
- Don't own _Skittles_ or the _Discovery Channel_.  
- All the same warnings and spoiler alerts as the last two. I'm gonna assume if you made it this far, you've read those.  
- This is a sequel to _Sing To Me _and _The Only One _it is recommended that you read those first to understand this.  
- This is SLASH. That's guy/guy action. Sheppard/Mitchell

***** CONTENT WARNING*** **This story contains **dark, sensitive** subject matters. There are references to child abuse, sexual abuse of a minor, sexual abuse, abuse, non-consensual sex.

* * *

Being married wasn't really like what Cam had thought it would be when he was younger. He wasn't exactly sure _what_ he had thought it would be, but he knew it didn't match up. He probably hadn't thought that he'd be sleeping down the hall from his husband. And when he was much younger, Cam hadn't really thought it would _be_ a husband.

Cam stood outside of John's closed door and knocked.

"John?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come in?"

There was silence and then a few seconds later the door unlocked and opened. Cam was greeted by his newly awakened husband. John's hair stuck out everywhere and Cam really thought it was adorable. And then thought that he probably shouldn't be labeling John as 'adorable' because husband or not, John could kick his ass. Not that Cam thought he would. Well, mostly thought.

After Cam stepped in, John shut the door behind them. It had taken a few weeks, but early on Cam had eventually noticed that John kept the door locked when he was in the room alone and unlocked when someone else was in there with him. And if that someone was Cam, Daniel frequently found a reason to stop by and check in on John. He'd been much more subtle about it in the beginning, but as the months passed, Daniel would just knock once and then stick his head in. Cam always tried not to look guilty, even though they were never doing anything that would result in guilt. He also tried not to get frustrated by the constant interruptions.

John smiled at him and wow, Cam was still getting used to that.

"Hey," Cam said softly, smiling himself. He was desperately trying not to ogle John's body, as the other man slept only in his boxers, but fuck, John was _hot_.

He and John had only been married for a couple of months, but they were easily the best couple of months of Cam's life. Not counting the three days he'd been in the infirmary because SG1 had had an unfortunate with the Ori off-world. He'd woken up with stabbing pains in his stomach and a terrified looking John sitting next to him, squeezing his hand.

"Hey, Cameron," John replied quietly. "Let me just…" he gestured to the bathroom and Cam nodded.

"Yeah, sure."

John left and shut the door behind him. Cam glanced around John's room again. He was there everyday and nothing really ever changed. Sometimes the pictures in the frames changed, or there was a book on John's dresser with dog-eared pages. A year or so ago a small painting had appeared and Cam had squinted until he could make out Lorne's name. A week after the wedding, a picture of him and John in their tuxes had appeared on John's bedside table. A matching one had appeared on Cam's. Cam's room had a lot of pictures of John. A lot more than John had of him. Cam wondered if that meant anything.

John didn't really have much when Cam had met him. He and Daniel had a huge collection of books in their office and John had four Johnny Cash cds but that was about it. Almost everything else he had now had been given to him by Cam or Patty. And really, Cam was sure that even those things could fit into a duffel bag.

Cam, on the other hand, had so much stuff that there were boxes full of his things in the garage and he had shelves of things in his room. John had been amused by how much _stuff_ Cam had. Especially since Cam never really used any of it.

"Hey."

Cam looked up to see John watching him, that smile still playing on his lips.

"Good morning," Cam said, walking over to John.

"Good morning."

Cam let his hand brush against the bottom of John's elbow, and then leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against John's lips. Johns hands lightly gripped the bottom of Cam's shirt as he let Cam kiss him again. Cam was patient, letting one of John's lips slightly fall between his own. He stayed completely still and slowly, so slowly, John's mouth opened to Cam's. Cam still didn't move as John's tongue hesitantly touched the inside of Cam's upper lip. Cam knew that his husband wouldn't go any further and he was alright with that.

John pulled back and there was a light blush on his features. Cam knew there was a stupid grin on his own face. John reached a hand up and touched Cameron's mouth as if memorizing the feel of Cam's grin.

"Any plans for today?" John asked quietly.

"Nope," Cam mumbled against John's fingers.

John quickly let his hand drop and Cam grabbed it with his own.

"Is there anything you wanted to do?" Cam asked.

Since being married, John and Cam had tried to take weekends off from the SGC. They'd had weekends off before, but they'd been much more sporadic.

John's eyes flickered to the bed, for just a second, but Cam caught it. John loved to sit on the bed and lean against Cam. He loved having Cam's legs stretched out alongside his. He loved Cam's arms around his waist. Or at least he was pretty sure that John did. But John could never ask for it. The one time John had tried to ask he had been so flustered that only a few of the words came out and not in any sort of order that Cam could understand. John had been incredibly frustrated by the whole thing and the next morning there had been croissants, apple turnovers and biscuits for breakfast.

"You don't want breakfast first?" Cam asked. He gently tugged on John's hand and covered the few steps there were to the bed.

"Do you?"

Cam shook his head. "Later."

Cam couldn't ever imagine passing up any sort of intimate time with John just to eat. The mere idea seemed absurd. He settled onto the bed, putting a pillow behind his back and leaning against it and the headboard. Cam let his legs falls open and John carefully maneuvered himself in between them. John was stiff and Cam knew it would be a few minutes or so before his husband could relax.

"I think Rodney's moved in with Lorne," John murmured, leaning his head back on Cam's shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"He's almost never here anymore."

"I seem to recall him eating all the meatloaf last night," Cam countered.

"He's here for food."

"Do you mind?" Cam asked softly. McKay knew the unspoken house rule about having sex in John and Daniel's house (everyone still called it their house despite the face that Cam and McKay had both moved in). The rule said no sex in the house, and if you did have sex in the house, John better be so far away from it that he should need a plane to get home. Cam still wasn't sure if John was aware of this rule or not. He thought his husband probably was; that's what sucked about John being so damn smart.

John had lifted one of Cam's hand and was turning it over and tracing lines. John loved to play with his hands. Cam loved John's hands too, but probably for different reasons.

"I miss him a little."

"You still see him on base."

John sighed, "I know. Lorne's there a lot though and I don't want to take away from any time they get together."

"He's your friend, I'm sure he'd understand."

"You don't… you don't think he feels like I left him for you, do you?"

Cam shook his head. "No. I doubt he thinks like that."

"Oh, good."

John's breathing was quiet and it unnerved Cam how quiet it was. Actually, the reason for his quiet breathing was what unnerved Cam. Cam had asked if they taught stealth breathing to all black-ops operatives. John had answered that his father taught him that. If his father couldn't hear him while John was hiding, there was a small chance John would be left alone.

"John?"

"Cameron."

"I love you," Cam said softly.

"I love you, too."

* * *

Every time John went off world, Cam forced himself not to think about it. It didn't always work and sometimes he would pace restlessly in the gate room and Walter would give him sympathetic looks. Early on, Cam had shown up in Daniel's office demanding to know how Daniel dealt with it. Daniel had given Cam a look that John often did, one that spoke volumes about their estimated value of Cam's intelligence, and said that he wasn't in love with John and John could probably handle whatever the galaxy threw at him.

But ever since they'd married, well, really ever since John's late night admission that he'd been… off-world, Cam was never settled when John was gone.

The only good thing that had come out of McKay shacking up with Lorne (well, not the _only_ good thing-there was the added bonus of him being around the house less which was only good to Cam but not to John) was that now Cam had someone to commiserate with when John's team was over-due or gone for extended periods of time. It wasn't like they were best buddies now, Cam still pretty much hated McKay, but now there was someone who understood.

So when John's team had missed their first scheduled check-in, Cam ordered Daniel, Sam and Teal'c to gear up while he stopped by McKay's lab. As far as Cam knew, McKay had never been off-world. He wasn't positive though but McKay was so damn jumpy that if he ever did go off-world, Cam was sure the chances of him coming back intact were slim.

"McKay."

"Huh? What?" McKay looked up from his work. Work Cam never understood but that John reveled in. "Oh, it's you. I'm busy."

"John missed the check in. I'm gating out," Cam said simply and then left to join his team.

* * *

John secretly thought that his team had the worst luck out of all the gate teams. Sure Cameron's team seemed to run into Ori at every opportunity but John's team ran into other things: crazy natives, mud sinkholes, active volcanoes and just last week they'd gated to a planet who was in the middle of some sort of rapid continental drift. The ground had pulled apart so quickly that by the time they dialed out, they'd had to swim back to the gate. It had really sucked and John's side arm hadn't been the same since.

And now, on a seemingly routine mission to check out a planet that SG3 had reported as wiped out by the Ori, John's team had run into man eating bunnies. And John really wished he could laugh about that. Instead he was trying to slice them in half with his P-90 and it wasn't working so well. Well, he did split them in half, but the half with the head kept moving towards them.

The giant man-eating bunnies were between them and the gate and kept pushing John's team further away from the DHD. He wondered if they had enough ammo to last until someone could come with bigger guns and enough firepower to keep the bunny heads from attacking. John thought that if he didn't already have nightmares, these things would give him some.

"Sir!"

John glanced over his shoulder towards Lorne who was pointing to a really tall tree in a way that made John think he expected them to climb it. Except that John had done the tree climbing thing to escape ferocious beasts and it never really worked.

John sighed and pulled his cell phone out of his vest and snapped a shot of one of the chomping bunny heads. Rodney would get a kick out of them.

* * *

"John? What's your status?" Cam asked.

"I'll only tell you if you promise not to laugh."

Cam grinned and Daniel was already silently laughing next to him.

"I promise."

There was a long pause and then, "We're being chased by giant bunny heads that are trying to eat us."

Cam made sure his radio was off before he burst out laughing.

"It's not funny, Cameron," John snapped over the radio.

"Of course it's not," Cam said, trying to hide his laughter.

"Daniel," John said.

"Yeah?"

"Is he laughing."

"Yeah."

"No dessert for a week, Cameron," John ground out.

"But-"

"You promised."

"Jo-ohn," He whined.

"Nope."

Daniel snickered next to him.

"Fine," Cam sighed. "What do you need?"

* * *

John was freezing. It had started pouring on Planet Bunny Head, as his team had taken to calling it, about forty minutes before SG1 had come to get them. And the rain had been _cold_. He'd changed his clothes at the SGC and was beginning to regret not taking a hot shower. He shivered and tried to stop his teeth from chattering as Cameron drove them home.

"Jesus, John!" Cameron said. He reached out and turned the heater on, despite the fact that it was mid-July and about 75F outside. "Why didn't you tell me you were sitting over there getting hypothermia?" He grabbed one of John's freezing hands and wrapped his own, much warmer hand, around it.

It had honestly never occurred to John to tell his husband he was cold. It hadn't occurred to John to ask him to turn on the heater either. John wondered if that was the sort of thing that _should_ have occurred to him.

"I-" John's teeth chattered. "I don't know."

"Next time," Cameron said gently. "Tell me, okay?"

"Y-yes," John agreed.

* * *

Cam was worried about John. His husband had fled the car and headed up to his room, presumably to take a hot shower and warm up, as soon as Cam had parked the car.

That had been fifty minutes ago.

So Cam did what he always did in situations involving John that he was unsure about. He called Daniel.

"Hello?"

"Jackson, good. Look, I need some advice," Cam said urgently.

"If John says no desserts, he's not kidding," Daniel said. "Trust me on this."

"It's not about that. John was freezing by the time we got home, and he ran upstairs to shower, I think. But it's been almost an hour, should I go check on him?"

"Hmm… I would knock first."

"Of course," Cam answered. He took the stairs two at a time. "Thanks, Jackson."

"Sure."

Cam hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket before knocking on John's bedroom door.

"John?" There was no answer so Cam knocked again and asked a little louder, "John?" When he got no answer the second time, Cam tried the door knob but it was locked. "John?"

Cam swore and called Daniel again.

"Jackson he's not answering."

"He might not be able to hear you in the shower."

"It's been an hour!"

"Okay…" Daniel sighed. "Go into my room."

"What?"

"Just go."

Cam walked down the hall to the room on the other end. He pushed the door open and stepped into Daniel's room.

"Now what?"

"On my dresser there's a small box, open the box."

There was one dresser and one box on top of it. Cam opened the lid and peered in. Inside the box was a single key.

"That's for John's room."

"You have a key to his room?" Cam asked, taking the key out. He was a little bit hurt that Daniel had one and he didn't.

"I've had it from the beginning."

Cam walked back over to John's room. He inserted the key and the doorknob turned. Cam opened the door. John's clothes were on the floor and the bathroom door was closed. Cam could hear the shower going.

"Thanks, Jackson."

"Call me if you need me to come home."

"Yeah."

Cam replaced the phone in his pocked and gently rapped on the bathroom door.

"John?"

There was still no answer and now Cam was really starting to worry.

"John, are you okay?"

Silence.

Cam tried the doorknob and it turned easily. He took a deep breath and pushed away his hesitation and he slowly opened the door.

"John?" He called softly.

There was a thick curtain between him and John, but Cam kept his eyes away from the bathtub anyways.

"Cameron?" He heard John ask quietly.

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"I'm… I'm really cold, still," John answered.

"Do you want to come out of the shower?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll step outside."

"No! Wait," John said loudly.

Cam froze with his hand on the doorknob. "Did you need something?"

"I…" The water turned off and suddenly Cam could hear his heart beating. "Cameron?"

"Still here."

"Can you hand me the towel that's on the sink?"

Cam reached for it and blindly held it over the shower rod. It was tugged out of his hand. There were soft noises coming from behind the curtain and Cam tried really, really hard not to imagine his husband naked. The curtain pulled back and John was standing there with wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist.

He looked so incredibly beautiful that Cam's mouth dropped open at the sight. John blushed lightly and stepped out of the shower. Cam immediately reached a hand out to help him, and John accepted it. John's skin felt warm to Cam but John was definitely still shivering.

His husband reached for some boxers on the counter and slid them on under his towel. When he finished with that, John tossed to the towel over the shower rod.

John turned to him. "Can I… can we… I… front… place…?"

Cam took that as 'Can we snuggle in front of the fireplace where I can steal your body heat?'.

"Yeah. Do you want some more clothes first?"

John shook his head. Cameron led them downstairs and sat John on the couch to start the fire while he went to make some tea. The water boiled within a couple of minutes and Cam poured out two mugs and dropped a cinnamon tea bag into each. He carefully carried them over to where John was sitting.

Cam gently sat down next to John and put the mugs on the coffee table in front of them. The fire was going strong and Cam could feel the flames lightly scorching his body.

"Drink some tea," Cam murmured. He made sure John saw his arm move before his rested it along the back of John's shoulders, pulling him into Cam's side. John practically burrowed into him, still shivering. "Maybe we should go back to the SGC, John, get you checked out."

"No, I'm fine."

"You shouldn't be shivering," Cam said. He rubbed John's shoulder with his hand.

"I'll warm up."

John drank his tea and Cam pushed the other mug to him. John managed to drink half before pushing the hot beverage away. He turned to look at Cam and his eyes flickered to Cam's chest. Cam frowned.

"What?" He asked softly.

"Can you…" John didn't finish. Instead he lightly tugged at the bottom of Cam's shirt.

It took Cam 3.6 seconds to figure out that John wanted him to take his shirt off and another .9 to accomplish that feat.

"You're sure this is okay?" Cam asked, dropping his shirt onto the ground.

John lightly poked at Cam's BDU pants and this time Cam was a little bit more hesitant in his actions.

"Are you sure, John?"

"We've done it before."

"It's been a while," Cam reminded him.

"I'm sure."

So Cam stood up and slowly unbuttoned his pants, letting them fall to the ground. He toed off his shoes and stepped out of his pants leaving him in just his boxers and his socks. John's eyes briefly roamed over his body before his husband looked away.

Cam sat back down and John leaned into him, until Cam fell back against the couch. John's body covered his and Cam pulled a fleece blanket off of the back of the couch to drape over John.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah," John answered softly. He turned his head so that his cheek rested on Cam's chest and he faced the fire.

Cam let his arms lightly rest on John's upper back.

"I'll probably ask you that a few more times," Cam admitted.

"I know."

"Okay."

"I might… I might freak out," John admitted quietly.

"I know. It's okay," Cam said. He lifted a hand and it almost landed in John's hair before Cam remembered and said, "I'm going to touch your hair, okay?"

"…yeah."

So Cam settled his hand on the back of John's head and let his fingers run through John's hair.

"Are you getting warmer?"

"Yes," John whispered. "Thank you."

"My pleasure."

* * *

In the almost three years that Cam had known John (well, known him for two and stalked him for one), Cam had never seen his husband sick. But the next morning Cam knew something was wrong when he woke up, went downstairs, and found Daniel eating stale cereal.

"Where's John?"

"Still in bed."

Cam frowned, "Is he okay?"

"I think he's sick."

"Sick?"

"Sick," Daniel confirmed.

"John gets sick?"

Cam got another one of those 'you're really stupid' looks. He wondered if Daniel learned it from John or John learned it from Daniel.

"I've already called him in," Daniel said.

Cam thought that since John was _his_ husband he should have been the one to call him in. Then he decided it was really ridiculous to get jealous over something so small. So mostly Cam was okay with that.

He left the kitchen and went back upstairs to John's room.

"John?"

"It's open."

Cam blinked but opened the door.

"Are you okay?"

The tuft of John's hair peaked out from underneath the blankets and a second later Cam could make out John's hazel-green eyes.

"Yeah."

Cam went and sat cautiously on the edge of John's bed, next to his husband's quilt covered body.

"Daniel says your sick?"

"I'm fine."

"It's almost nine."

John blinked rapidly as though he had no idea of the time.

"It is?"

He pushed the blankets off of him and Cam watched as he unsuccessfully tried to sit up. John's hands went to his head and his eyes were closed tightly.

"Easy," Cam soothed.

"I think… the room is spinning a little."

John reached blindly towards his bedside table and Cam watched him with interest.

"What are you looking for?"

"My phone," John answered.

Cam reached over and grabbed it before gently pushing it into John's hand.

"Thanks."

John fumbled with the buttons a little bit and Cam reached towards John.

"Here, give it to me. Who are you trying to call?"

"Um… SGC?" John answered, handing the phone back to Cam.

"Daniel already called."

"Oh." John frowned and appeared to think about something. "My mom."

"You want to call your mom?"

"She…" John's face flushed and he blinked several times.

"John?"

"She… I… promised." John swayed a little and his breathing increased.

"How about I call her for you?" Cam asked.

"You… call…?"

"Yeah."

John blinked and turned, giving Cam a confused look. "I need… call… my mom."

"We just went over this, John," Cam said gently. "I'm going to call for you, okay?"

"Oh… promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay."

"I'm going to go get a thermometer, John," Cam said quietly.

John leaned back against the pillow, his eyes fluttering closed. "Okay. Love you."

"I love you, too. I'll be right back."

Cam watched as John drifted back into sleep. He slowly got up so as not to disturb the bed and backed out of John's room, closing the door shut behind him. Cam hit the speed-dial on John's phone for his mom. While the phone rang he went to the downstairs bathroom in a hunt for a thermometer.

"Hello?"

"Patty?"

"Cameron, dear is that you?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"Is everything alright with John?" Worry tinged her voice.

"He's sick," Cam told her. "He'd tried to call you, but he wasn't really thinking straight I think. I told John I would call you for him."

"Sick? He was fine yesterday."

"I think he caught something from a visiting unit," Cam lied. He felt horrible lying to John's mom, but Cam couldn't tell her the truth.

"Oh no. Is he alright?"

"Sleeping now, I'm about to take his temperature."

Cam pulled a med-kit down and went through it before finding a thermometer. He turned it on the check the battery and then headed back upstairs.

"What are his symptoms?"

"He shivering a lot, but had all his blankets on him. Yesterday he was really cold, he's confused… weak…"

"Can you stay on the phone with me while you take his temperature, Cameron?"

"Of course, Patty." Cam paused. "Patty?"

"Yes, dear?"

"John was… a bit insistent that I call you," Cam whispered as he pushed open the door to John's room again.

"Oh… yes," Patty confirmed quietly. "When John was… when Jim first met John, John was still… he wasn't ours yet. He would call Jim with questions about the Force almost everyday and then one day… one day we didn't hear from him. We were worried and we only had our suspicions about John's home life."

Cam sat down on John's bed and gently shook his husband awake. "One second, Patty."

"Of course."

"John? I have the thermometer, I'm going to give it to you and you need to put it under your tongue, okay?"

Confusion shown in John's eyes as he eyed Cam warily. Cam held out the thermometer and that seemed to spark recognition and John too it, sticking it into his mouth.

"Okay, Patty."

"Where was I… oh, yes… John hadn't called that day and we were worried but we had no other way to contact him. So we waited. A day passed, and then two and then three. Nine days passed before we heard from John…." Her voice was quiet and it trembled a little as she spoke. "When he finally called… Jim and I were so relieved. We were one step away from driving out to John's house. He told us… he'd been sick, the flu he said. He… told us that he'd slept for almost three days straight. He… he didn't say it out loud, but I knew he was alone. No one had helped him, fed him, taken his temperature… we were worried but we couldn't do anything, not until John was ours. That incident had slipped our minds until John was at the Academy and he missed another call. Then we-"

"Patty, sorry, just a moment. The thermometer beeped."

"What's it say, dear?"

Cam gently pulled the small stick out of John's mouth and glanced at the numbers. "Oh wow."

"Cameron?"

"86.7... That's low," Cam mumbled to himself. "That's too low."

"You need to take him in, Cameron," Patty said gently.

"Yeah. Can I call you back, Patty?" Cam said quickly.

"Please do."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Cam thumbed off John's phone and put it in his pocket before turning to yell down the stairs.

"Jackson!"

A second later he heard footsteps heading up the stairs rapidly and Daniel appeared in the doorway, concern written all over his face.

"What's up?"

"We need to get him to the mountain, John's freezing."

Daniel nodded. "Is he dressed?"

"Just boxers."

"Try and get some clothes on him. I'll call Lam and then I'll help you get him to the car."

Daniel left the room to make the call and to give them some privacy. Cam went to John's dresser. He pulled out some sweats and a shirt and then glanced back at his husband.

"John?"

"Cameron?" John responded, blinking at him.

"John, I need your help getting some of these clothes on you."

"I thought… you wanted… to get my clothes… off… me…"

Cam would have smiled except that John was looking worse by the minute.

"Maybe another time, alright? Can you lift your arms up?"

John complied and Cam slipped a t-shirt on over them.

"I'm gonna help you sit up, okay?"

"Not… good… idea," John mumbled.

"Can we try anyways?" Cam asked. "For me?"

John seemed to think about it and then nodded. "Okay."

Cam reached an arm around John and ignored the instinctual flinch. He slowly sat John up and pulled John's legs over the side of the bed. When John was sitting, Cam knelt down and slid John's feet into eat leg of the pants and slowly pulled them as far up as he could. Cam decided shoes would be next before standing John up to pull the pants up the rest of the way. He glanced around John's room and spotted some tennis shoes. He quickly grabbed those and knelt in front of John again, pushing the shoes onto his feet.

"Jackson!"

"I'm here!" Daniel said, coming up behind Cam.

"Help me stand him up and hold him while I pull up his pants."

"Okay."

"On three… one, two… three!"

They pulled John into a standing position and John wavered, his legs giving out. Daniel shouldered the weight as Cam very quickly pulled up John's pants, careful not to touch any skin.

"Cameron?"

"John?"

"I… don't feel so well."

"I know, John. We're going to take you to see Dr. Lam, okay?"

"I…" John didn't finish his sentence. Instead he collapsed into Daniel's arms, head falling forward, and Cam grabbed him along the waste.

"Shit."

Cam wasn't sure who said it, but suddenly everything seemed more urgent.

"Jackson, go start the car."

"Cam-"

"I've got him," Cam said. And it was true. John weighed as much as Cam's backpack in high school. "Go."

"Okay."

When Daniel was gone, Cam bent his knees, hooked and arm under John's knees and straightened back up, husband in his arms. John's arm fell heavily across Cam's back as Cam carried him, wedding style, down the stairs.

After buckling John into the back seat, Cam buckled himself into the seat behind the driver's side and commanded Daniel to drive. He picked up John's left hand and touched his wedding ring.

* * *

One of Cam's favorite things to do was to spin John's wedding ring around John's finger. He would just put a little pressure on one end and it would rotate. John didn't seem to mind, or at least he hadn't voiced any opposition, so Cam liked to do it a lot.

Sometimes John gave him a look that said he was humoring Cam, but Cam ignored it because really, John _was_ humoring him and that was half of the appeal.

Cam had tried doing it once while he was in a meeting with John at the SGC but John had given him a hard look accompanied by a glare that definitely said 'not at work, Cameron'.

Cam was getting _really good _at reading facial expressions.

But when they were home, or in the car, or anywhere else that wasn't the mountain, Cam spent a lot of his time with John's hand in his. It was also probably the only part of John's body that Cam didn't have to give a warning to touch.

The only time John really made any sort of noise that the ring thing bothering him was when Cam tried to do it while John was cooking. He hadn't said anything outright but there were small glances and light tugs when John needed the hand to pick something up or hold a vegetable to cut.

Cam knew why John never said anything and really it was so sad that Cam couldn't think about it too often.

John was afraid that if he said or did anything about Cam touching him, Cam wouldn't do it anymore. Cam had tried to tell him that all John had to do was ask, but underneath he knew John wouldn't ask. John had lived a lot of his life without touch and when he d_id_ receive it, it hadn't been the kind of touch that anyone would want.

And early on, when they'd only been dating for a few months, Cam had inadvertently touched John's neck. John had reacted instinctively and had backed away from Cam so quickly that Cam hadn't even had time to blink before John was yards away and calling Daniel to come pick him up.

It was over a year before Cam would go near John's neck again and when he finally did, giving John plenty of warning, John had melted into Cam's touch . After that, John had tried very hard not to react to Cam's simple touches.

John's ring was plain. It was smooth and rounded white gold and matched Cam's. Inside of John's ring was an inscription that read simply, 'I love you - Cameron'. John loved it and Cam loved that John loved it.

Cam's ring had a much more humorous inscription of 'Property of John Mason'. Sometimes John would slide Cam's ring off and run his fingers over the inscription before offering Cam a crooked smile, skin crinkling around his eyes, and sliding the ring back onto Cam's finger.

And people said John never laughed. They just weren't listening.

Now Cam wished John would wake up and give Cam a look that said John was humoring him. But John didn't move.

* * *

John knew he was awake but he couldn't see anything. He heard soft beeps and footsteps. His hand felt warm and when John tried to move his fingers they felt stuck.

"John?"

_Cameron?_

"John, can you open your eyes for me?"

_Open my eyes?_

"Just a little bit?" Cameron asked softly. "For me?"

Something squeezed John's hand and he wiggled his fingers again.

"That's it, John… wake up."

_I am awake._

Fingers threaded through his and Cameron's hand closed around John's.

"Can you open your eyes, John?"

His eyes felt heavy and John suddenly felt really tired and it seemed like a lot of effort to try and open his eyes.

"Please, John?" Cameron asked again. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. "For me?"

So John tried. He would do anything for Cameron. His eyes opened a sliver and light started to pour in so John squeezed them tight again.

There was a soft laugh and then a hand landed on John's forehead like a visor, shielding his eyes from the light.

"One more time?" Cameron asked.

So John tried again. He wondered if it was this hard for babies to open their eyes when they had never done it before. Because right now it didn't seem instinctual. It seemed really, really hard.

He slowly opened his eyes with Cameron's hand blocking out the light. He found Cameron's face hovering a couple feet above his own and there was a large smile stretched across John's husband's face. John tried to return it but he only managed a twitch. He used all his energy just opening his eyes.

"Hey," Cameron said quietly. His thumb rubbed the back of John's hand. "Welcome back."

John wanted to talk. He really did but he felt too exhausted to try.

"I love you, John," Cameron said and the hand on his forehead pressed down and covered John's eyes while a pair of lips brushed across John's forehead. "Go back to sleep now."

John thought that was a really good idea. As he drifted off he felt gentle fingers running through his hair.

* * *

"You!"

"I had no idea, Rodney!" Evan exclaimed.

Rodney pointed at his boyfriend and leveled him with a glare. "You're on his team! The man has hypothermia and you have no idea!"

"We were all on that planet, none of the rest of us got sick," Evan defended.

"I don't care! It's your job to watch him!"

"I thought it was my job to watch you," Evan joked lightly.

Rodney glared harder. "How can you make jokes? He almost died!"

"But he didn't."

"He could have!"

"You can't think like that, Rodney," Evan said softly, stepping right into Rodney's personal space. Warm arms hooked themselves around his waist and Rodney's glare faltered. "Our job is dangerous, you _know_ that."

"Yes! From deranged space aliens and tiny slugs and religious cult freaks! Not from the rain!" Rodney protested. "He was supposed to be fine."

"He will be," Evan soothed, running a hand up and down Rodney's back.

"And you're supposed to watch him."

"I don't think Colonel Sheppard would appreciate a babysitter," Evan said finally.

"Are you kidding?" Rodney yelled. "Sheppard can't even be counted on to eat, let alone take care of himself."

"He eats, Rodney."

"How can you even say that? Have you seen him? He's like two steps away from one being of those African charity children!"

Evan laughed and shook his head. "I've seen him eat all the time. And I doubt Colonel Mitchell would let him just wither away. Colonel Sheppard just has a thin physique."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?"

Evan leaned in close to Rodney until their foreheads touched and Rodney's eyes widened.

"Colonel Mitchell said he woke up a few hours ago… we can go visit if you want."

Rodney scoffed, "Who said anything about visiting him?"

Evan smiled softly, the kind of smile that made Rodney melt a little bit on the inside, the kind of smile that Evan only directed at Rodney.

"I know you're worried, McKay. I'm so onto you."

Rodney huffed and looked away but didn't pull out of Evan's arms. "I'm not worried."

"Uh-huh, sure."

"I just think you need to do your job better."

"I'll keep that in mind," Evan said sincerely, fondness apparent in his tone.

"You do that."

A hand pushed at Rodney's lower back until their two bodies were flush against each other. Another hand moved to the base of Rodney's head, tilting it slightly to the side and then warm, soft and slightly chapped lips pressed against him. Rodney resisted the kiss for a second but Evan didn't move away. He stayed there-kissing Rodney. After a few seconds, Rodney let himself melt into the kiss and accept all the comfort that Evan was offering.

He felt a weight lift off of his shoulders.

Sheppard would be okay.

* * *

John was bored. He'd already done all the soduku puzzles in the book Cameron had brought him, he'd finished all 120 crosswords in the book Markham had brought him, he'd completed the book of math puzzles that Stackhouse had brought him and he'd read the three books that Lorne had brought him.

Rodney had shown up with a bag of chocolate and two laptops. He'd offered one laptop to John, trying to keep him entertained with a seemingly endless equation that he'd had thought up. John hadn't had the heart to tell his friend that he'd solved it three days ago. Rodney had seemed so proud that he could keep John entertained longer than anyone else.

Daniel had shown up with a learner's guide to Ancient Egyptian and John had poured through it before ordering Daniel to bring more books on the language back. He was quite proficient in it now.

Cameron kept him company quite often, but he was needed at the SGC. John had been banished to his house for the past week and had one more week of medical leave before he could return. Lam was scary when she missed a diagnosis. John knew she'd been kicking herself over missing all the signs of hypothermia.

John had never had hypothermia before and he didn't really like it. Even now, a week and a half later, he still shivered sometimes, he still felt cold.

He sighed and continued fixing dinner. His team and Cameron's team were coming over tonight for some team bonding time. It would be a lot of people in one house and a lot of people to feed.

John jumped as the phone in his pocket started buzzing. His hands were covered with dough so John grabbed a rag to wipe one with before answering.

"Sheppard."

"Hey," Cameron greeted warmly.

"Hi. Hold on a sec." A small smile crossed John's face and he dug his Bluetooth out of his pocket. John hooked the device over his ear and then set his phone on the counter, away from his bread. "Okay, hi. How was your mission?"

Cameron sighed, "Another planet lost to the Ori."

John winced, "Ouch."

"Yeah. What have you been up to?"

"Not much," John answered. "I went swimming earlier."

"You know you're supposed to be resting," Cameron chided gently.

"I did rest," John pointed out. "I've been doing nothing but resting for a week and a half."

"Just don't overdo it, John."

"I can take care of myself, Cameron," John returned evenly.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, but John knew his husband hadn't hung up because he could hear Cameron's soft breathing.

A sigh and then, "You're right. I'm sorry. You know I worry, John."

"I've kept the door unlocked."

"I know and I really appreciate that."

The first couple days after John had been back from the infirmary, Cameron had checked on John about once every hour. So John would have to get up and unlock the door each time. On day three, he left it unlocked and since then, Cameron would just stick his head in to make sure John was alright before closing the door behind him.

"Cameron?"

"Yeah?"

"I… will you come home early tonight?" John asked quietly. "Before everyone else gets here?"

"I'll leave now," Cameron said.

"It's only 1300-"

"I'm already on my way," His husband told him, cutting John off. "I'll be there in half an hour."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

* * *

"John?" Cam called.

He closed the door behind him, locking it. Cam kicked his shoes off by the door and padded across the wooden floors to find his husband.

"In the kitchen!"

Of course. John was always in the kitchen. One of these days, Cam was half expecting him to leave the Air Force and become a chef.

John was standing in front of the stove stirring something that smelt suspiciously like chocolate. Cam came up behind him and brushed a hand against John's waist before slowly wrapping his arms around John from behind. He rested his chin on John's shoulder and looked down into the pot.

"Whatcha makin'?" Cam asked quietly.

"Fudge."

"Just chocolate?"

"Do you want another kind?"

"I'm kinda partial to peanut butter fudge, myself."

John leaned back into Cam, just slightly. "I can make that too."

"Perfect."

John turned his head and a second later Cam received a soft, dry kiss on his cheek.

Cam smiled, "I think you missed."

"Missed?"

John turned to look at him again and Cam turned his own head to face John. He leaned forward and waited for John to realize what Cam was about to do. When realization passed through John's eyes, John leaned forward and met Cam's lips halfway in a kiss. Cam smiled against John's lips and sucked the top one in briefly before pulling back.

"I love you," Cam said softly.

John smiled and then turned back to his fudge.

"How much longer will that take to cook?" Cam asked.

"Few minutes. Then I have to pour it out."

Cam detached from John's back, to give him more room while he was cooking and waited while the fudge cooked. He watched John carefully pour it out into a square cake pan. John left the dirty dishes in the sink, something Cam knew bothered John to do.

"Want to lie down?" Cam asked, holding a hand out to John.

John nodded and accepted the hand. They walked upstairs together and went to John's room.

* * *

John swallowed and readjusted his position. He was lying on his right side, his head was on Cameron's chest. Cameron was laying on his back running his fingers through John's hair. They were both breathing easily and John's head moved up and down with each of Cameron's breaths. Cameron was warm and soft and safe.

John's left hand was stretched across Cameron's body and the other man was twisting the ring on John's finger. It was something Cameron liked to do a lot. It didn't really bother John, so he just let his husband do it.

"Do you want to talk about last night?" Cameron asked softly.

His tone was deceptively light but John froze anyways. Last night had been particularly bad where his nightmares were concerned. He'd woken up to Cameron _and _Daniel in his room.

"I…" John swallowed and licked his lips. "I remember watching my father beat my mother. I was in my room… with some stupid coloring books that the school had sent home with me. It was… homework. I was supposed to color in a few of the pages."

"And did you?" Cameron asked gently.

"Yeah. I was working ahead though, coloring more in. I could hear her." John closed his eyes. "I must have been really young because she was still begging him to stop. When I… when I got older she never begged anymore."

Cameron's hand kept moving through John's hair, grounding him, keeping him safe from the memories.

"I remember being angry. I didn't understand why he was doing that. I… I must have been four or something, Cameron and I wanted him to _die_." John squeezed his eyes shut further. "I wanted to help my mother, to keep her safe, but I couldn't. And he would hit her and hit her and I would hear her crying and crying and when she would pass out, he would keep hitting her. I remember-" John swallowed again. "I remember once, he was really mad and he kept kicking her and she was lying so still… I thought she was dead. But I couldn't _do_ anything. I feel sick because I had _hoped _she _was_ dead. Maybe one of us could escape. And another time I-I knew she wasn't and I-" Tears slid down John's face into Cameron's shirt, but he didn't move to wipe them away. "I knew that when he finished with her he would come after me, so I didn't want him to finish with her. I-I can't believe I could think that," John finished with a soft sob.

Cameron pulled John up his body and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him close and gently rocking them back and forth.

"Shh, he can't hurt you anymore, John. I've got you," Cameron murmured softly. He kept repeating those words over and over and John felt the tears keep coming. "He can't hurt you… I've got you… He's gone… You were so young… There was nothing you could have done… She could have left him… He can't hurt you… I'll keep you safe… I love you…"

The rocking motion was soothing and the hands on his back were reassuring for once, instead of frightening. And John had the weird feeling of wanting to stay like this forever.

"John?" Cameron asked gently. "Have you ever thought of… seeing someone, a professional?"

John buried his face in Cameron's neck. "I have."

He felt the shock go through Cameron's body as his husband said, "You have?"

"Yeah at Cal-Tech and before I was adopted, court-ordered."

"Oh. I hadn't thought you talked to anybody," Cameron said quietly.

"I'm not sure my parents know," John told him. "I mean, they know about the court-ordered, but I'm not sure they know about Cal-Tech."

"Do you still talk to someone?"

John nodded stiffly against Cameron's neck. "On and off."

"That explains it."

"Explains what?"

Cameron ran a hand up John's back and he forced himself not to tense up.

"It explains why you don't seem very angry."

"I let go of most of my anger several years ago. The Air Force doesn't want a pilot with a chip on his shoulders."

"I imagine they don't," Cameron murmured. "How come you've never mentioned this?"

John paused. "I don't-it's hard for me to admit that I need help."

"When did you realize that you should talk to someone?" Cameron asked quietly.

"When Professor Williams asked to be my advisor. I… I couldn't stay in the same room as her, alone, for more than a few seconds. I think she knew something was up and after the first few meetings we met outside. But I knew I had to get past that if I wanted to fly. One day she slid a business card to me, didn't say anything, but it had the name of a psychologist on it."

"So you still talk to her… him? On the phone?"

"It's a her," John clarified. "And, uh, yeah."

"I'm surprised she hasn't retired or something, it's been fifteen years."

"She's semi-retired."

"Do you talk to her about us?"

John moved down Cam's chest a little and his husband stayed still while he did it. John repositioned himself back on Cameron's chest and reached his hand out to Cameron to let the other man gently twist John's ring again.

"Do you mind?" John asked softly.

"Not if it helps you."

"It does."

"Then I don't mind at all," Cameron said gently. "Does it help?"

John nodded, "I think so. And meeting you and Rodney and Daniel helped. I was way more jumpy before I met Daniel and a lot more jumpy before entering the Air Force. I'm-" John paused. "I've been seeing her for so long, Cameron that we've both had to acknowledge that I might not get any better than this."

"There's nothing better than perfection," Cameron murmured and slid his fingers through John's hair again.

John flushed, "I'm far from perfect."

Cameron shrugged, "Not to me."

* * *

Cam left John to his nap and went down to open the door. Teal'c and Sam were on the other side. Sam was holding a pie and Teal'c had some flowers. Cam snorted and took the flowers.

"I told you to stop with this shit," Cam said, kicking the door shut behind him as he followed his two teammates to the kitchen.

"I do believe it was you, Colonel Mitchell, who first said that a man should never show up empty handed and that flowers were a nice gesture."

"I meant that about a chick."

Teal'c tilted his head and smiled. "I'm sure."

It was a well rehearsed conversation.

Sam laughed as she set her pie on the counter. "Teal'c takes your advice very seriously, Cam."

Cam rolled his eyes and held his hands out for the flowers, "Fine, give them to me."

Teal'c handed the small bouquet of roses over and Cam put them in a vase that he'd bought for all of the flowers Teal'c brought them. Cam turned back to face his teammates.

"You guys are the first to arrive. John's… taking a nap, he'll be down in a bit. Can I interest you in some fudge?"

Sam gave him a compassionate look when he mentioned John and even Teal'c's face softened a little.

"I would love some fudge," Sam said.

Cam pulled it out of the fridge, "John just made it this afternoon."

He got out a large knife and began to cut strips of fudge before slicing strips perpendicular to the ones before it, forming small squares of fudge. He eased a few pieces out and onto a plate, sliding it over to Sam and Teal'c. They both reached for one and Cam stacked the rest of the pieces onto a separate plate in a little mound. He grabbed a piece for himself and took a bite. He closed his eyes and smiled at the flavor. It was delicious.

* * *

"John?"

John blinked awake to see Daniel looking at him. His best friend was crouched in front of him on the floor with a small smile on his face.

"Hey, Daniel."

"Everyone's here," Daniel said. "Cam didn't want to wake you but I thought you might want to join us."

John blinked a few more times, "Yeah. I should make dinner."

Daniel smiled, "Only if you want to. We can order out."

John glared at him, "I'll make dinner."

"Sounds good," Daniel said with a small laugh. Then his face became serious again. "Are you okay, John? Last night was really bad…"

"Yeah, I just… I'm sorry I woke you."

Daniel shook his head softly, "Never apologize for that, John." He reached a hand out and gently squeezed John's arm. "I'm always here for you if you need to talk or just… you know, sit in silence for a while."

"Thank you," John said softly.

Daniel nodded and stood.

He had almost reached the door when John blurted out, "I dreamt that my father was about to beat my mother to death. I wanted him to stop and he wouldn't. He beat me instead."

Daniel froze in his steps and turned around to face John with a horribly pained look on his face. He walked back over to John and knelt down by the bed again. He reached out and took John's hand in his, squeezing it tightly.

"How much of it was a dream?" He asked softly.

"Almost none of it," John answered quietly, looking away from Daniel's eyes. When he finally looked back he saw tears in his best friend's eyes. "I'm free of him, Daniel but he still has a hold on me. I wish he didn't."

"Me too, John," Daniel whispered.

John took a deep breath, "I… there was more to my dream." Daniel nodded for John to continue. "I… yesterday I was watching tv, some crime show, and the victim had been… sexually assaulted and I kept having these flashbacks. In my dream… you were in my dream," John said finally. "Someone had kidnapped you and they were… they were planning to hurt you. I tried to get them to take me instead. I knew what it was like, you didn't. But they wouldn't take me. They kept laughing and you kept screaming for me to stop them. I couldn't do anything. I'm sorry."

Daniel reached a hand out to John's face and it rested on John's cheek, warm and heavy.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, John." Daniel said firmly. "That was just a dream. You have to know that I would never ask you to take my place like that, never. And I would never want you to. No matter what."

"But-"

"No matter what," Daniel repeated. "It happened to you, John. It was horrible. But this isn't the kind of thing that gives you experience on how to deal with it. It's not the kind of thing that gets easier to take each time."

"That would be too easy," John said quietly. "Instead it only gets worse."

"Yes," Daniel agreed gravely. "It does."

"I don't know why I just told you all of that," John admitted after a moment of silence.

"I'm glad you did," Daniel whispered fiercely. "If talking can help you at all then I will always be here to listen. I love you, John. You're my best friend and I'd really do anything for you."

John blinked back a couple tears. "Thank you."

"No thanks necessary," Daniel said with a small smile. He stood back up. "How about you splash some water on your face and come down before Mitchell thinks I've killed you and hidden the body."

John gave a small laugh. "Yeah, okay. I'll be down in a few minutes."

"Take your time," Daniel said. He walked to the door and opened it. "But not too much time because really, John your husband can be scary," He said with a grin.

John shook his head and smiled. "Get out of here, Daniel."

Daniel laughed, "I'm going. I'll see you in a few."

"Yeah."

* * *

Cam couldn't help but scan over John's appearance as his husband descended the stairs. Jeans, Cal-Tech alumni t-shirt and black socks. He looked casual enough. His face was bright and showed no signs of the crying that John had done earlier. From the tiny bit of glistening water drops in John's hair, Cam thought his husband had probably washed his face.

Cam left Stackhouse, Lorne and Daniel in a debate about which fast-food chain had the best hamburgers, to meet John at the bottom of the stairs.

"Alright?" He asked softly.

John nodded and Cam stared into his face. There was a slightly raw expression there. Cam knew John was still fragile, still putting his emotions back together after that afternoon. He reached out and pulled John into a hug. It took a second, but John eventually relaxed into it and Cam just held him, feeling John shake a bit. Cam let John rebuild his defenses while he stood watch.

It was always interesting to have either of their teams at John and Daniel's house. John had two separate personas and they had very little crossover, at least in terms of physical locales. At home he could be John Mason, at the SGC he as John Sheppard. When the teams were here, John had to be a little of both. Cam knew it was a bit exhausting for John to be around so many people and he tried to help John however he could.

He was sure they stood there for a good chunk of time. Cam appreciated that none of their teammates said anything or interrupted them at all. They were good people and Cam suspected that most of them had suspicions about John, but they would never ask.

Finally the small trembles under Cam's hands stopped and John seemed much more put together when he pulled back. He even gave Cam a genuine smile that went all the way to his eyes.

"I love you," Cam said quietly. He ran a hand over John's hair.

"I love you, too," John answered. He pulled back out of Cam's embrace entirely. "I'm going to go make dinner."

"I'll send McKay in to help you," Cam said with a small grin.

John rolled his eyes but didn't argue. Cam knew it was because even though Rodney wouldn't actually help cook, something they all preferred, he would help John in other ways. It had taken a while but Cam realized that John's two friends had different strengths and both did different things for John. Cam still hadn't quite figured out what they were but he was slowly starting to predict who John would need at any given time.

Cam still didn't really like McKay, but he knew that when he walked over to the astrophysicist, Rodney would bitch and moan a little bit about having to help John cook, all the while walking into the kitchen. He would stay there with John and they would talk about things Cam didn't understand and then John would make dinner and Rodney would proclaim himself an amazing sous chef and John would grin and nod and let everyone else think that Rodney had actually helped. Even though they all knew he didn't.

Rodney really was a good friend.

* * *

Five months and nine days after their wedding was the first time John walked in on Cam. Cam was a little surprised it hadn't happened sooner.

Unlike John, Cam kept his door unlocked at all times. He'd extended a permanent invitation to John to enter whenever he wanted to. Sometimes John would peek in at night, when doing his rounds-checking on Daniel and McKay (if he was there) and then on Cam. Sometimes John would come in and clean up Cam's room, not that it was very dirty, but he mostly dusted or did laundry. Cam had felt special when he found out John did that, until he found out that John did that for Daniel and McKay as well.

Sometimes John would come in at night and sit in the corner of Cam's room, on the carpet and watch Cam sleep. Well, he thought he was watching Cam sleep. Cam was pretty sure he'd woken up every time John did it, well okay, more like eighty percent sure.

Anyways, Cam left his door unlocked and John was welcome to come in at any time. He used to knock in the beginning but Cam would glare until finally, a few months back, John just started walking in. And that had been fine.

Until today.

As a general rule, Cam kept any private activities between himself and his right hand contained to the shower. He'd been with John for almost two and a half years. The year before that had been spent stalking John and running for his life from vengeful Ori, so Cam reckoned it'd been about three years since he'd last had anything partially resembling sex.

It didn't bother him because sex didn't mean nearly as much as a single smile from John did. It was weird and Cam didn't give it a lot of thought because he liked sex, he liked it a lot, but he'd rather spend pretty much all of his spare time with John and there was really no way he was going to be having sex with John anytime soon. Possibly ever.

So Cam and his right hand had become best friends.

Except right now, it wasn't just Cam and his right hand. It was Cam, his right hand, and _John_. John, who after a moment of abject horror, had bolted from the room and a few seconds later Cam heard the front door open and shut.

Cam cursed, slid off the bed, pulled on his clothes, spent ten seconds washing his hands (ignoring the Rodney sounding voice in his head saying that if you're going to wash your hands for ten seconds, you might as well wash them in dog spit) and then bolted for the door.

John was halfway down the block when Cam caught up to him. John had been walking quickly. Cam had been sprinting down the sidewalk with no shoes on. In _October_. Which meant it was raining and windy and fucking freezing and Cam immediately started worrying about how warm John was. Cam shrugged out of the thin sweatshirt he was wearing and draped it over John's shoulders and they kept walking down the sidewalk.

This was one of those times when Cam would have to wait for John to start talking first. Or at least he was pretty sure it was. So Cam didn't say anything when John's hand reached out to grab his own-his left one-and he didn't say anything when John turned the corner, heading down another block of suburbia.

They'd been walking for about twenty minutes when John came to an abrupt halt, turned, and his eyes flared while he said, "Have you been walking out here without fucking shoes on? It's barely fifty degrees!"

Cam looked down at his bare feet, white from the cold, with specks of dirt on the top of them and replied, "Uh, yeah. Sorry."

John looked at Cam's feet and then his own and then bent down and undid the laces on his boots. He stood up and kicked them off before pushing them towards Cam with a socked foot that left no room for argument. Except that Cam had never really understood that look coming from anyone much less his husband.

"No, John-"

"Don't start, Cameron," John said fiercely. "Put the shoes on."

"But-"

"No."

"We have to walk back and it's raini-"

"Put. Them. On."

Cam was completely sure that this was exactly the wrong time to think that his husband was really, really hot when he was being commanding. He opened his mouth to protest once more and John shot him a glare that could melt ice. Cam swallowed meekly and slipped his feet into John's shoes.

"I can't believe you went outside without shoes on."

"I wasn't really thinking," Cam admitted, bending down to re-tie the laces.

"You don't always have to follow me," John said. This time his tone was softer, more like the John Cam was used to seeing at home.

Cam tied a knot on the second shoe and stood up. He reached out and put his hands on John's shoulders, resting them there lightly. He looked into John's eyes and said, "Yes. I do."

John swallowed nervously and looked away. Rain fell into both of their faces and Cam thought they'd be lucky if all they got out of this whole thing was wet clothes.

It was probably also a bad time to think that John looked really, really sexy in wet clothes and with rain pouring down over him, his hair plastered to his face and water drops dripping off his skin.

"I'm really sorry, John," Cam said honestly. "I-I don't have any excuses and I know better. I'm just really sorry."

John looked at him, his green eyes meeting Cam's, a neutral expression on his face with some confusion mixed in. He looked like he was searching for answers, for something that Cam could give him. Cam was so tired of not having any answers for John.

Cam reached a hand up from John's shoulder and wiped some water off of John's left cheek. Some of it was startlingly warm and Cam knew that it hadn't come from any rain cloud.

"I'm not sure why I ran," John said suddenly as if annoyed with himself. "I-I didn't feel scared or hurt or angry." H looked down at the wet pavement before looking up through wet eyelashes. "I didn't feel anything."

Cam's breathing hitched and he couldn't stop himself from tugging John into a tight hug.

Since meeting John, or more accurately meeting John's parents, Cam had read more books on surviving abuse then anyone should ever have to read. He hid them in his office at work so that John wouldn't see them. Daniel knew about them because he would borrow them when Cam finished. Even McKay, with all his awkwardness, would hand Cam back a book that Daniel had finished and avoid eye contact before leaving the room.

But the books all had several things in common. Understanding isn't always helping. Talking _might_ help, if you're lucky. Sometimes there is no answer. To be a survivor you have to be a victim.

The books were sometimes harsh and so honest and Cam was sure that most of the people who had written the books had never been abused themselves. It had all been so clinical.

Most of the pages had been hard to read. John was painfully a classic case of abuse. With every line Cam could see part of his husband. Sometimes he was amazed that John turned out as well as he did. Cam figured some of that was probably due to Patty and General Mason. The rest of it was because John was fucking amazing.

"John," Cam murmured. He wasn't sure what to say but it didn't seem like John particularly cared at that moment. John's hands were grabbing the back of Cam's shirt, his face was pressed into Cam's neck and if they were any closer Cam thought they would disprove whatever that thing was that John and McKay had been talking about-the thing about matter not being in the same place at the same time.

John kissed Cam's neck and then pulled back. "We should probably head back. I can hear my mom's voice in my head telling me not to be stupid and to get out of the rain."

"Funny you mention that… I'm pretty sure I can hear my mom's voice too," Cam said with a smile.

They turned around and Cam wondered if he should be more surprised then he was when Daniel's car pulled up next to them.

Daniel rolled down the window. "Need a ride?"

Cam rolled his eyes and followed John over to the car. He opened the passenger door for his husband and John gave him a small smile before getting in. Cam climbed into the back seat and before he had finished buckling, Daniel was driving back to their house.

* * *

It was close to three in the morning when John pushed off his blankets. He shoved them to the side and got out of bed. It was cold in October and John thought about grabbing a sweatshirt. Then he thought about how warm Cameron's bed would be and he left the dark blue hoodie on the back of his chair.

John left his room and poked his head into Daniel's room, content that his friend was still there. Rodney's room would be empty, as it increasingly was these days, but John opened the door anyways. He checked that nothing was amiss before shutting the door behind him and made a mental note to vacuum. He went down stairs and checked that the front door was locked. It was. John shivered and headed back upstairs in nothing but his boxers.

He stopped in front of Cameron's door and took a deep breath. The doorknob turned easily and John let himself in, shutting the door with a click behind him. He stood there for a second, letting his eyes adjust to the different level of darkness in Cameron's room. Cameron slept with his blinds a little bit open, so streetlights and moonlight shone into his room.

"John?" Cameron rasped quietly. There was a rustle of blankets and John could see that Cameron had pulled his back, giving a silent invitation for John to join him.

John took it and slipped into the warm bed. He was close, but not touching his husband. Cameron shifted onto his side and John felt the other man's eyes roam over him.

"You okay?" Cameron asked, voice heavy with sleep.

"Yeah." John swallowed and tried not to think about any of the dreams he'd had. "Can I… can I stay here tonight?"

"Of course," Cameron answered immediately. "Did something happen, John?"

"No… I just… I… No. Nothing happened."

"Okay. You warm enough?"

"Yeah. Go back to sleep, Cameron," John said gently.

Cameron, unlike John, was gating off-world in the morning and SG1 liked when their leader was awake and alert.

"'k," Cameron mumbled. "Love you, John."

John smiled in the darkness. "I love you too."

Seconds later Cameron's breaths evened out. John liked listening to Cameron breath. It was reassuring. John wasn't going to get anymore sleep that night. He couldn't imagine falling asleep with someone else in bed with him, not knowing what would happen if they woke up before he did. But he was happy to lay there, with Cameron.

In the morning John would call someone. Someone's whose number he'd had for five months and ten days, pressed into his hand at the wedding. It was the number of someone local, who specialized in cases like John's. John thought it was a pretty fucked up world if there were people who specialized in the shit he had gone through.

But this person was different than before. She worked with couples. John would talk to her before bringing it up with Cameron. He would test the waters, so to speak. He was nervous and he didn't really want to do this, but there was a part of him that knew he should. For him and for Cameron.

Cameron seemed content to never have sex again. John wasn't as content with that idea as his husband. He was fine with himself never having sex again, but he didn't want to condemn Cameron to a life of celibacy, no matter how reassuring the other man was on the subject. And Cameron had said that sex could be good. He'd said it and John had believed him. Cameron never lied to him.

So John would call in the morning, after making breakfast for Daniel and Cameron. They both had to be on base by 0600. John didn't have to be there until 0800. He and his team were gating out around noon.

Somewhere around 0430, John slipped out of bed and went downstairs to cook breakfast for his husband and his best friend.

* * *

"Sir?"

John glanced over at Stackhouse out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah?"

"How do these things always happen to us?" The man asked with an exasperated sigh.

Lorne sniggered and John shot him a glare while Markham tried to hide his laugh in a cough.

"Not always," John countered.

All three of his men gaped at him with looks of disbelief.

John sighed, "Fine. Yes. Is one of you killing babies in your spare time? This must be some sort of karma retribution thing."

Markham grinned, "Dang, sir, you weren't supposed to find out about that."

John wondered how his team had always managed to gate in at the perfect moment of some kind of natural disaster. This time it a huge flood and they had gated into water and now couldn't gate out for another thirty or so minutes. They hadn't sent a MALP because a team had returned from Planet Flood only sixteen hours previous to John's mission. He was mentally trying to work out calculations for how fast the planet was flooding.

And despite the humor his team was showing, John was getting horribly hidden looks of concern. He thought it most likely had to do with the hypothermia he'd had in the summer. John wasn't going to admit that, yes, he was actually really cold. Really, really cold.

They were stuck in front of the DHD, treading water, and would be for the next half hour, until they could dial another planet before dialing the alpha site. The water was just high enough that they couldn't reach the bottom but not high enough for them to sit on something useful. Like the trees two clicks away or the giant stargate.

His team really was cursed.

* * *

"Did you eat?"

Evan turned around and smiled. "Hey, Rodney."

The astrophysicist crossed his arms over his chest. "Well?"

"Yeah, I ate," Evan answered. He zipped his sweatshirt up.

"Let's have sex."

Evan raised his eyebrows and looked around. "In the locker room of the SGC?"

"Don't be stupid," Rodney dismissed.

"I'm kind of tired…" Evan tried.

Rodney stared at him and then wrinkle his forehead. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Evan gaped. "What? No!"

"Isn't that what it means when someone says they're tired? Or is that when they say they have a headache? I don't understand why people can't just say what they mean!" He huffed. "Instead other people have to walk around trying to decipher what goes on in their heads, which is impossible, might I add. And who can understand what the rest of the stupid world thinks anyways! I mean it's hard enough with Shepp-"

"Rodney," Evan said, holding a hand up. "I just mean that I spent half an hour treading water and my arms kind of hurt. And I'm really kind of tired."

"Oh." There was a quiet look on Rodney's face. "So we're not breaking up? Because Mitchell says-"

"He's messing with you, Rodney," Evan said fondly.

"Oh. Well, we can still sleep, right?"

Evan reached for Rodney's hand. "Rodney, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should stay at your place tonight."

"The wrong way? The wrong way!" Rodney jerked his hand out of Evan's. "What other way is there to take that?"

"I just mean… Colonel Sheppard was looking a little haggard today, Mer."

Rodney made a face. "Jeannie is a bad influence on you."

"Probably," Evan agreed.

"I guess I'll catch a ride with Sheppard," Rodney said a bit awkwardly.

"I can drive you."

They both knew that Colonel Sheppard wouldn't be leaving for another few hours and it was already 2100.

"It's out of your way."

"Nothing about you is out of my way," Evan said with a smile.

"Ugh, that was a stupid line."

"But it worked."

Rodney tried to hide his smile. "Says you." He paused. "I might stay there for a few days."

"I know."

And Evan did know. Everyone who knew Rodney knew that Sheppard came first in his life. Evan wasn't sure why and he wasn't sure when it had happened. He honestly didn't know that much about his boyfriend's relationship with his team leader, but he knew enough that there wasn't anything Rodney wouldn't do for the other man and Evan suspected that sentiment was returned.

Rodney never said anything, everything Evan knew he'd picked up second-hand, but Evan knew it was true.

* * *

It was raining outside when John woke up. So when he stepped into the shower, it felt a little bit like he was standing in the rain, but inside. John could hear it through the window in the bathroom and the smell permeated the air. He got ready quickly and then headed downstairs to start on breakfast.

When he'd gotten home last night, Rodney had been up waiting for him. It had surprised John but also filled his chest with something warm. Rodney had grumbled about John working too late before finishing up his cup of coffee and going to bed.

John took some bacon-Canadian bacon-out of the fridge and put the pan on the stove to heat up. He also turned on the waffle iron and pulled out a bowl. It took about eight minutes to mix up a waffle mix and right as he finished, the light on the waffle iron turned off, indicating that it was ready. John poured the mix in and shut the lid.

He turned next to make some coffee, a nice Hawaiian blend that he knew Rodney really liked. It wouldn't take long to percolate and by the time the coffee started dripping down, John had a third waffle cooking and the bacon frying. He wouldn't be eating either, instead he was going to have some plain yogurt and fruit, but Rodney hated yogurt and John had to disguise fruit in the form of chocolate if he wanted Rodney to eat any.

His cell phone buzzed and John picked up his Bluetooth, hooking it over his ear.

"Sheppard."

"John?"

John frowned. "Yes. Who is this?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. We spoke yesterday. This is Kate Heightmeyer."

The therapist. Right.

John took a deep breath, "I looked at my schedule and I was wondering if you had any free time today?"

"I have an open spot at 10:30 and then another at 7 pm. Would either of those work for you?"

"10:30 would work fine."

"I'll put you down then."

"Thank you," John answered. He opened the waffle maker, eyed the waffle and then closed the lid again, deciding to give it another few minutes.

"John?"

"Yes?"

"It's alright to be nervous," She said gently.

"I know."

"Alright then, John. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Thank you. Bye."

"Bye."

John disconnected the call and closed his eyes briefly. He wasn't sure he was ready. But in his mind he could picture Cameron's face, apologizing in the rain. It made John sad to think his husband felt the need to do that.

He swallowed and then reached over to turn off the waffle iron and the burner with the bacon. John left the food as is and then went upstairs to find Rodney.

Rodney was, predictably, still asleep. John reached a hesitant hand out and gently shook Rodney's shoulder.

"Rodney."

"Mmspin." Was his response.

"Rodney," John said again, a little bit louder.

"'van."

"Rodney?"

Slowly Rodney opened one eye and used it to look at John. After a second he closed it again but John knew he would wake up. He allowed himself a private smile. Cameron didn't like waking Rodney up because Rodney threw shoes at him. John didn't have the heart to tell his husband that the shoes had nothing to do with being woken up and everything to do with Cameron.

"I made breakfast."

"B'con?"

"Yep."

"Maple syrup?"

"Yep. Canadian maple syrup."

"B'tt'r be."

John ran a hand through his hair. "Rodney?"

"'m up."

"I know. It's just… do you have any meetings this morning?"

"Not till 3 or so. Why?" Rodney asked. He looked much more awake now and was starting to sit up, blinking at John.

"I have to go somewhere this morning and I…"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Sheppard. Of course I'll go with you. Now get out so I can get dressed."

"Don't take to long."

"I'm just putting on pants."

John nodded. "I'll see you downstairs."

* * *

John was bad-ass. He'd faced Goa'uld, Ori, Replicators, scary villagers and weird shark like creatures on P41-9X2. He was bad-ass.

So why was he sitting, with Rodney, in his car and staring at a nine story brick building in downtown Colorado Springs like it was the scariest thing he'd ever seen?

John leaned his forehead against the steering wheel and sighed.

"We don't have to go in. We can… get pizza or something. Coffee. You like coffee."

John turned his head to look at Rodney. John loved Rodney and Daniel equally but he would really would have rather brought Daniel with him. Except that Daniel was off-world and would be for a while. And while Rodney was trying, John was pretty sure that everyone would agree Daniel would have been a better choice.

"Do you want coffee?" John asked softly.

Rodney blinked. "Um, no. Not really. Well, in the sense that I always want coffee-yes, but considering I had like three pots this morning… I probably shouldn't."

John nodded, "Okay."

Rodney looked at John and then out at the building. "Do you want me to go in with you?"

"I… maybe you could wait… in the sitting area? Or something?" John asked hesitantly.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Then let's go."

"Go?" John asked weakly.

"Your appointments at 10:30. It's 10:28. We're already going to be late."

Rodney opened the car door and got out. Cold air rushed in and pushed John into action. John fumbled with the seatbelt before getting it off and climbing out of the car. Doors shut and John locked the vehicle, giving the building a wary look. He swallowed and straightened his shoulders. He was bad-ass. He could do this.

He followed Rodney into the building.

* * *

The house was really quiet when Cam let himself and Daniel in. The fireplace was going and Cam saw McKay sitting near it with a laptop, typing away. Cam opened his mouth to say something but McKay quickly raised a finger to his lips and then pointed to the couch.

Cam walked over, Daniel behind him, to see John stretched out on the couch, sleeping. The fire lit up his face beautifully and not for the first time Cam wished he had half the artistic skill that Lorne did because John would make the perfect painting.

"Dinner's in the fridge," McKay whispered.

Cam nodded and followed his teammate into the kitchen. He and Daniel quickly and quietly put together some dinner-chicken, potatoes and string beans. They carried their food back over to the loveseat and sat side by side while they ate. Every few seconds Cam would look over at John, smile, and then go back to eating.

He had no doubt that John knew they were there but Cam could almost convince himself that John had marked them as no threatening and had gone back to sleep. What Cam really knew, though, was that John was not really sleep but still not quite awake. John never slept when other people were around. Sometimes Cam wondered how his husband had made it through boot camp. He'd never asked though.

None of them spoke, as they sat around the fire. They just sat there in companionable silence.

* * *

When John said he had to talk, Cam immediately thought the worst and had spent the better part of today convinced that John was going to leave him. Then McKay had come in, told him he was being an idiot, threw a book at Cam's head and left. Cam really wondered what Lorne saw in the other man. He thought Lorne must have the patience of a saint. Or that McKay must be _really_ good in bed.

So around lunchtime, Cam had swung by his husband's office, only to find John missing. A quick search found the other man in the gym, sparring with Lorne, a circle of military personnel watching. John was certainly holding his own and Cam was pretty sure he was about to win. Except that Cam wasn't really thinking very well because John was shirtless and had sweat pouring down him and looked so fucking sexy that Cam was sure it had to be illegal in at least twelve states.

Then John ducked and a guy Cam hadn't seen before was coming up behind John on the mat. Cam clued in that John was fighting more people then just Lorne and felt his pulse pick up. Only one of the reasons was from worry.

Cam crossed his arms against his chest and leaned against the wall behind one of John's teammates.

"How long have they been at this?" Cam asked quietly.

"About twenty minutes, sir," Stackhouse answered distractedly. "Colonel Sheppard is really holding his own."

"I see that," Cam murmured. He winced as John took a light hit to his solar plexus. But a second later, John gave the hit back, harder to the Marine behind him.

"Ouch," Stackhouse muttered. "That's gotta hurt."

* * *

Cam took John out for ice cream after work. John had muttered something about eating too much sugar and being too old for ice cream, but he got in the car anyways. Cam figured that if John was going to leave him, he probably wouldn't do it in an ice cream parlor, so he was trying to prolong any amount of time he could spend with the other man.

John licked the tip of his spoon. He'd gotten a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of strawberry. Cam had gotten two scoops of rainbow sherbet, ignoring the half smirk on his husband's face. They'd picked a booth off to the side, for some privacy even though they were the only ones there.

"How's your ice cream?" Cam asked.

"Good." John looked at Cam's half empty cup. "And yours?"

"Want to try?" Cam asked, offering the cup towards John.

John looked at the contents warily before dipping his spoon in and coming out with a small scoop of it. Cam's eyes followed the sherbet into John's mouth where it disappeared. John licked his lips and swallowed.

"It tastes like a rainbow," John commented. He went back to his own ice cream.

Cam grinned, "I think _Skittles_ are supposed to taste like a rainbow."

He spooned some more of the frozen dessert onto his spoon. It looked like a rainbow, and John was right, it tasted like a rainbow. Ever since John had told him that he didn't really like chocolate, Cam had been avoiding it. At first it hadn't really been a conscious thing and now it was just second nature.

Too soon, John finished his ice cream. Cam was tempted to offer to buy him more, and then wondered when he had become such a coward.

"You wanted to talk?" Cam asked softly, looking at John.

John nodded and pushed his empty dessert cup away. His hands fell into his lap and he turned his head to look out the window. It was raining again. Or raining still as it had never really stopped.

"When you were gone last week, I… I went to see someone," John said quietly. His face flushed with embarrassment and Cam reached his hands across the table. A second later, John pushed his hands into Cam's, letting Cam hold them.

"Someone like…?"

"A therapist," John explained. "She's a couples therapist."

Cam frowned lightly. "A couples therapist? You think we're having problems?" He couldn't keep all of the hurt out of his voice.

"No!" John answered quickly. "Not like that. She… I thought she could help with-with intimacy problems."

That answer both heartened and disheartened Cam. John wasn't breaking up with him, in fact quite the opposite, he was trying to get them to be closer. But the look on John's face broke Cam's heart. It was a look of shame, a look that Cam never wanted to be responsible for.

"John…" He said slowly. "You don't have to do this. Is this about when you walked in on me? It won't happen again, I promise," Cam offered sincerely. "I told you I'm fine with how things are."

"But I'm not," John said softly. "I'm not fine with them, Cameron."

Cam swallowed and bobbed his head a little. "And you think she can help?"

John shrugged haplessly, "I don't know. She was recommended to me. I went to see her last week and she seems okay. I thought maybe we could give it a try for a couple of months."

"Have you talked to your mom about this?" Cam asked gently.

The way John looked away told Cam everything he needed to know. "I don't talk to her about everything."

Cam disagreed but wasn't about to say that. "I don't want you to push yourself, John."

John let out a soft laugh. "My whole life has been about pushing myself, Cameron. That shouldn't stop now."

"Okay," Cam said quietly. "If you want to try this, I'm behind you one hundred percent."

"Thank you," John whispered.

Cam smiled, "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, John."

* * *

So every Thursday they had couples therapy. It was horrible and it left John so broken and raw that they moved it to Friday so that John would have the weekend to recover before having to go back to work.

Cam had started out a bit apathetic towards the whole thing, but now, seven weeks into it, he hated it. He hated the whole thing, but he couldn't ask John to stop going because John was so goddamned determined to make this work. To make everything better.

John was falling apart in front of him and there wasn't anything Cam could do about it except fall apart along with him. For a day or so after each session, John didn't want to be touched. He flinched anytime someone came too close. He also never really said more than three words.

Daniel was looking increasingly worried and even McKay had all but moved back in (even though he'd never officially left). They all let John do their laundry and vacuum and cook and clean because the one time they had tried to get him to sit down and rest, John had screamed something about wanting to do something for them.

He'd apologized an hour later.

So, yeah, Cam didn't like couples therapy. He didn't like what it was doing to John.

Cam knocked softly on John's bedroom door. "John?"

It was Sunday morning and John was usually back to his normal, quiet self by then. Cam was hoping he could talk John into curling up with him in front of the fireplace and tree. It was two weeks before Christmas and light snowfall had started. It was beautiful and John had made cookies yesterday, so the whole place smelt like Christmas.

Cam heard the lock being turned and the door opened. John stood there, in his boxers, hair wild, looking like he'd spent most of the night crying. He looked so young and scared that Cam gave what warning he could before sweeping John up into a hug. John returned the hug with fervor, clinging tightly to Cam. Small shakes went through John's body and Cam walked them backwards so that he could shut the door behind them.

He gently lowered them both onto the bed and John kept clinging to him. Cam rolled onto his back and let John lay on top of him, his head buried in Cam's neck. Cam ran his hands up and down John's bare back and murmured soft words of comfort.

It took several minutes for John to stop crying. Cam pulled a blanket up over them because as soon as he'd stopped crying, Cam had been able to differentiate between shakes and shivers.

"John," Cam said gently. "I want to say something and then I won't say it again, it will be up to you. I want us to stop going to see Dr. Heightmeyer. I hate seeing you like this. Nothing is worth this, John. Nothing. You're hurting right now, and I can't help you and I want to so badly." Cam raised a hand to the back of John's head and gently ran his fingers through John's hair. "You're ready when you're ready, John and I'm never going to push you. I hate that you're pushing yourself because of me. Please, stop going. We can try again later if you want. I love you, John and nothing's going to change that."

"Cameron," John said brokenly, into Cam's neck.

"Yeah?"

"I want to see my mom."

Cam nodded, "Okay. We can do that."

* * *

John's mom and dad arrived the next day. When he'd called them, Cam had barely said 'hello' when Patty was yelling to John's dad to start packing. It seemed that both of them had been expecting the call and they had been worried it had taken so long. Patty had known that something was wrong with John for at least a month.

Daniel had picked them up from the airport when John and Cam both got stuck on the mountain. The Masons would be there when John and Cam got home; a little bit of light was starting to come back into John's eyes.

They'd worked out the sleeping arrangements last night. Despite John's protests that they were his parents and should therefore sleep in his room, Cam put his foot down and said that his parents-in-law would be staying in his room and Cam would be sleeping on the couch.

Another thing those books had said was that it was important for survivors to have a place of their own where they wouldn't feel threatened. John wasn't in a position, emotionally, to be giving up his room. Cam was.

Even Rodney had offered to stay with Lorne for a few days, so that the Masons could have his room, but Cam knew that Rodney was worried about John, which was why he was there in the first place. So Cam had politely said 'no, thank you' and claimed a couch for his own.

When they got home, John's parents had ushered him upstairs and into John's room. Where they stayed for three _hours_.

Cam paced downstairs nervously and went about making coffee. McKay told him to stop worrying and threw a physics book at him with instructions to educate himself and Daniel was focused on a _Discovery Channel_ special on the Mayans but threw nervous looks at the stairs every half hour or so.

When John finally came down it was, oddly enough, without either parent. He tossed them all a small smile and went into the kitchen.

"Hey," Cam said softly, leaning against the counter next to John. "How are your parents?"

"They're good," John answered quietly. "Thank you for bringing them here."

"I just called," Cam said.

"Still," John insisted. "Thank you." He pulled out a skillet and a pointed to the fridge, "Can you get the chicken out?"

"John," Cam said gently, but firmly. John stopped moving and turned to face him. Cam reached a hand out and gently traced John's face. His expression was much lighter now and a small smile played on his lips as he closed his eyes and pressed his face into the palm of Cam's hand. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes," John breathed.

Cam leaned in and pressed their lips together in a feather soft kiss. He hadn't kissed John in three weeks and four days. John's hand came up to rest on the back of Cam's neck, holding him there lightly. When their lips slipped apart, John pulled him into a hug.

"Cameron, I don't want to go anymore," John said softly into Cam's ear.

Cam smiled, "Okay."

* * *

John's parents stayed through Christmas. Every day John's smile grew bigger. Cam was a little jealous that John's parents could help him when Cam couldn't, but as Patty had gently said to Cam-Cam couldn't be John's husband _and _his therapist. Cam was pretty content to be the husband so he let any notions of being the therapist drop.

They had to be home before New Year's since they were throwing a party for a few of their friends, but they'd both said more than once that they would be willing to stay. John had laughed-honest to God laughed-and told them to go throw their party and not to worry. Cam was sure that if John's parents were half the people he thought they were, there would be no humanly way possible to not worry. But they had nodded and smiled and told John to behave himself before they stepped into the security line.

After they'd made it past the security checkpoint, John turned to Cam and smiled. It wasn't his usual response to his parents leaving, but it seemed honest and real and Cam wanted the smile to stay on his face forever.

"I love you," John said happily. "Thank you."

Cam returned the smile and took John's hand, walking with him towards the exit. "I love you, too. And did I hear Jackson say something about building snowmen?"

John laughed, "Rodney and I were up until one working on calculations to make a twenty foot high snowman."

"Twenty feet? Really?" Cam asked eagerly. "In the front yard?"

"Of course. I sent Lorne out to buy a taller ladder."

Cam laughed. "Do you know why he sometimes calls McKay… 'Mer'?"

John ducked his head, "No idea."

Cam definitely didn't believe John. "None at all?"

"Nope."

"I'll find out sooner or later," Cam threatened. "Why not just save me the trouble?"

"Why are you so sure I know it?" John countered.

"Because I have yet to find something you _didn't_ know."

John paused before the exit and turned to Cam. He buttoned up the top couple of buttons on Cam's jacket, pulling Cam's hood up over his head. He leaned in and gave Cam a quick kiss on the lips.

Cam sighed and zipped John's jacket up for him. "You're really not going to tell me?"

"Nope." He tugged Cam towards the doors. "Oh and Cameron?"

"Hmm?"

"For the record, I didn't know I could ever be this happy."

* * *

_Neverland_

By Darren Hayes and Justin Shave

Long ago when Mercury descended high on the moon.

Far below where little hands are making shapes in the room.

The shadows they dance and they cheer up this place.

The face that's staring through a tiny crack in the door.

Eyes so wide he's never seen a woman fall on the floor.

I swear daddy's killed her this time.

Should I make a rocket?

Should I try to fly away?

Should I make a hammer?

Should I try to smash his face?

Should I make a bullet?

Should I try to shoot the gun?

I'm sure the judge will let me off real soon.

Long ago when Saturn tried to find a way past the sun.

Deep inside a little boy is turning pain into fun.

The pencils the crayons the paint colours run.

The plans are forming slowly made with scissors with glue.

Eyes so wide he's telling mummy all the things he can do.

He'll sketch a contraption to save them for sure.

He can draw an alien.

He can come and take them home.

He can draw a cartoon.

He can draw a safety hatch.

He can draw a hot bath.

He can plug a toaster in and wait 'till daddy's nice and warm

And toss it in.

And then when he's gone there's a Neverland of fun.

Take a loaded gun.

Take a shot of rum.

Take a poison rat.

There's a lesson in that.

No more closing fists.

No more face to hit.

No more bloody nose or apologetic roses.

Long ago when Mercury descended high on the moon.

Should I make a rocket?

Should I try to fly away?

Far below little hands are making shapes in the room.

Should I make a hammer?

Should I try to smash his face?

Long ago when Saturn tried to find a way past the sun.

Should I draw a cartoon?

Should I draw an alien?

Deep inside a little boy is turning pain into fun.

Should a draw a hot bath?

Should I throw the toaster in?


End file.
